


1-1-0

by byAlessandra



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, No Happy Ending Fest, Song Lyrics, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:22:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27775288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byAlessandra/pseuds/byAlessandra
Summary: The next time they will meet again they'll just be Max and Daniel, Formula 1 drivers and ex-teammates.Not Max and Daniel who clash like thunder and lightning, who love each other in all the wrong ways.akaI don't know why I love torturing Max and Daniel but well, here we are
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo & Max Verstappen, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1-1-0

**Author's Note:**

> another song fic, are we surprised? No. :) 
> 
> Possible warning: toxic/ abusive behavior
> 
> Song: 110 by Capital Bra & Samra ft. Lea
> 
> btw, 110 is the german 911 sort of, like an emergency hotline - just so you have a context to it

_but if we love each other_

_then why do we hurt each other?_

_I know, I took it too far_

_but I don't want you to go-oh_

* * *

He knows that they need to stop - that they claw each other open with teeth and nails and words every time they see each other. They keep on ripping barely healed wounds apart, again and again until they're stripped open down to the bones.

They're like magnets; as soon as they drift apart they get pulled back again, crashing into each other with too much force, cracking one another's surface every time they do and they're barely able to tear themselves apart again.

It's a never ending story.

Daniel would have never imagined that loving and hating someone could walk such a fine line.  
He also would have never imagined that one day, he wouldn't be able to see that line anymore, that it would all just be a blurry mess he can't tell apart anymore.

And right in this moment, when he is standing frozen in the doorway as he stares at Max, who is sitting at the edge of the bed with his figure dimly lit up and skin covered in golden shadows from the partly closed curtains, with all of the bruises on display, Daniel can't see any line at all. 

He can't tell which urge he should give way to; the one that tells him to go over, wrap a hand around Max's throat and tell him to stop looking so miserable, or the one that tells him to go over, pull him into a tight embrace and whisper words of comfort.  
He wishes he'd know how a person could feel so fucking _torn_.

Somehow, he manages to give in to neither of these urges and instead, he settles for something in the middle. Another solution that hurts, both of them, but at least it's one that hurts the least out of all.

  
"I'm sorry.", Daniel says quietly, but it's so deadly silent in the room that he might as well just screamed it.

He wants to scream that word, _sorry_ , wants to keep shouting it with anger, hate and frustration, wants to keep shouting it with love, regret and shame. He wants to scream till his voice gives out and his throat is too hoarse, till his lungs have got not a single ounce of air left in them.  
But he doesn't. He keeps quiet, keeps it all inside until he feels like there is _too much_ air in his lungs.

He knows that it won't change anything, that it would never be able to, no matter how loud or quiet, no matter if lie or truth - sorry will never cut it.

Not for them, not anymore.

That line has long been crossed, and fuck, how Daniel wishes he would have never done that.

He realizes he is still staring at Max, who only now lifts his gaze to meet Daniel's eyes, looking like is trying to figure out if Daniel meant it, and what he is apologizing for.   
Truth is, Daniel does mean it, and he is sorry for all of it.

_I'm sorry for everything I have done, I don't know why I did that and why the fuck I keep doing it. I don't understand, this is not me, I swear, this is not what my heart is telling me to do.This is not who i am, and I know this is not who you are either._

These words lay on the tip of tongue, they have been swirling around his mind for so long, sometimes in the front and sometimes in the back, but always there.   
Maybe one day he'll be able to say them out loud, or maybe write them down without feeling the rush of guilt overcoming him because once these words wouldn't be just the hushed whispers of his mind, once he'd hear himself say them or see it written down - then it would be real. It would suffocate him even more than it already does.   
Daniel is sure that there isn't any way for him to ever forget everything he's done. What they both have done. 

Everytime they've hurt each other, no matter if with words or touches or everything at once, every time they both took it too far and regretted it right after - yeah, those are things he wouldn't ever be able to simply get rid of.

"Me too.", Max says just as lowly, his strained voice barely even used, just as Daniel thought that he wouldn't reply anything at all. 

Daniel nods slowly - there is nothing he could bring himself to say, nothing he could handle to hear either way.   
He turns around as Max stands up from the bed, fishing for his jeans, and he walks out into living room which is the only room in which a lamp is turned on. He hears Max follow him and suddenly, Daniel stops and turns around again to face Max, who leans down to grab one of the blankets from the floor and drape it over the couch again. 

He only pulled on his jeans and not a shirt, and Daniel can't help but suddenly feel sick as he stares at what he has done to Max. 

His eyes land on the bite marks on his collarbones, the imprint of where he sank his teeth around the bone clear as day and he can still hear Max crying out at the pain, writhing underneath Daniel's body and then gasping out 'more'.

And Daniel gave him more, he always did. 

His gaze wanders to the bruises he sucked all over Max's shoulders, his neck and chest, and when Max bends down again he sees the long red marks from where Daniel scratched the skin open in his back, some just shallow and barely visible and some so deep that thin lines of small blood drops formed. There is a few shadows of handmarks on his hips and waist from where Daniel gripped him too hard in order to keep him in place. 

_glasses flyin', doors bangin' if we fall down_ _and we shout loud_

  
He swallows and walks over to Max, who shoots him a confused look when Daniel runs his fingertips over one of the marks on his hipbone, featherlight and tender, barely even able to be felt when just an hour before, he pressed down hard enough to damage the blood vessels. 

Daniel follows the movement of his finger, wandering to the next mark, wishing that he'd have the power to heal with just a touch, wishing that he could see how his finger grazes over the bruise and that it would be gone afterwards.   
That there would just be pale as porcelain and soft skin - untouched. Instead, the skin is broken into purple and blue, wine red and an alarming yellow. 

Evidence of how downright wrong all of this is. Evidence of how it's not supposed to be. 

  
He looks up to Max again, realizing that he is still eyeing Daniel with a questioning look in his bright eyes. The memory how they shot open, pupils blown, before Max squeezed them shut at the pain of Daniel pushing into him without giving his body time to adjust is burned into Daniel's eyelids, just like the gasp and the small whimper Max let out rings like an echo in his ears. 

Instead of stopping and giving Max time, Daniel kept going, he only lent down and pressed kisses to Max's forehead and cheek, as if it was soothing any of the discomfort. 

And now he does the same - he leans forward and brushes his lips against Max's, again a barely there touch, tender and careful, just a chase of air.  
He wants to mesmerize how these lips moved against his, and not in the harsh and heated way he has felt so many times before.   
He wants to remember them by their softness, just a oh so sweet and gentle feeling - Daniel wishes he would have done this before. 

Max faintly still tastes like mint, mixed with something sweet.   
Daniel leans his forehead against Max's, breathing out slowly as his hands rest on Max's slim waist and he takes in the warmth Max radiates.   
It's comforting, almost soothing the raging storm inside of Daniel but this time he stops himself from letting the feeling lure him into false safety, lure him into thinking 'it's alright' just to walk out of the door, knowing the next time won't be any different. 

He opens his eyes while leaning back a bit and he raises a hand to caress Max's cheek. 

He wonders if in another universe, another life, he could've loved Max the way he wants to, the way his soul deep down is longing for.   
He hopes that there is a universe in which he does - in which they're both happy because in this one they clearly aren't. 

  
"We have to stop.", he says, voice shaking and hoarse with all the things he is holding back. A part of him feels proud, because he is finally, _finally,_ doing what he was supposed to do so long ago but another part of him is yelling at him that that's nothing to be proud of. He is still a coward after all "All of this needs to stop,I...I can't keep hurting you."

Max's lips quirk up at the corners into a sad smile. "I know.", he whispers and swallows hard. "Me neither."

Daniel nods and he presses one last feather light kiss to Max's forehead, gives his cheekbones one last stroke before he steps away, his fingers cold from the loss of touch. 

He stumbles backwards, eyes never leaving Max as if this is truly the last time he'll ever get to see him when he knows they'll meet each other in two days for the next race, like always.

But this time it's different. This time he is leaving with the knowledge that he won't come back to this, for their own good.

The next time they meet they'll just be Max and Daniel, Formula 1 drivers and ex-teammates.  
Not Max and Daniel who clash like thunder and lightning, who loved each other in all the wrong ways.

  
Daniel manages to smile at Max, who is still standing where he left him as he watches on.

"See you around."

Daniel doesn't await Max's answers and instead slips out of the apartment, door falling close behind him quietly.

 _I love you_ , hammers through his head and heart, shaking his body in silent sobs as he walks away.   
_I love you, I love you, I love you, I'm so sorry._

_you're screaming at me and I put the blame on you_

_and the neighbor above is calling 1-1-0_

_man, but if we love each other_ _w_ _hy does it hurt so much?_

**Author's Note:**

> yea....
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated and as always, much love to you guys and I hope you're doing good! <3
> 
> Alessandra


End file.
